Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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