Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
