Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
