apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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