my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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