so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
