Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
