there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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