The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
