I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
