4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
