I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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