im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
