Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
