Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
