did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
