Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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