So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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