I wannas sexs uuuuu
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
