At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
