hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My nipple is on Facebook.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
