I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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