At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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