wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
