i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Bring me that man meat
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
