Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
