And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
