How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
they need to just BURY HIM!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
