i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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