There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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