I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
