new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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