remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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