The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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