vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
