His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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