If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
