pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
