Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
