I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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