Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
