I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
