if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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