laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
