I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
