Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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