is your mom at the bar?
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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