1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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