Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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