dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
